I would not be happy with the scenario you outlined. And when things happen to the kids the "mom" is always like I didn't know he would do that to our kids and abuse them even though I did. Because in his mind, I'm supposed to be taking care of him.not the other way around. I decided then to leave. I agree. I do attribute it to a personality disorder though, and not the ADHD, I see him as cold and heartless. I have been enlightened and no longer feel alone. If she's sick, and the kids need something, she's on her own. But I'm still keeping out of the way and limiting the inconvenience. (he can't) He pinches pennies, in trying to fix something that he's usually broken himself, but then it ends up costing us double or triple in do-overs. If I ever mention his behavior of that day, he gets mad at me and tells me that "I Never let things go and that I am to blame because I can't "forgive" him". I come first now. Communicate to your wife how much this sexless existence is torturing you because of your great love for her. I am a Marvel hero, as you have said. My husband would blame me for ruining his life. Ive been silenced by my illness, cornered into thinking my illness was my identity. Its pretty normalized at the point. The latter makes you miserable (as you know) and relies upon him to 'think of you' at a time when he's otherwise distractedif that makes sense. Your sweatn the small stuff it's normal. Ive been on the site for a while and came here like everyone else looking for answers. Fortunately, theres a Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. (regardless of what his mother did to him when he was small) Somewhere insidehimself, he knew he was holding back, and still did it, to his own detriment and the detriment of our marriage and love. (We do imitate our parents). He played video games.A LOT, and watched a lot of movies, and cook his food in deep fryers which has made the house smell like an old dirty grease pit, with the cupboards, shelves, and countertops, floors, all caked with grease. However Ive come to the realization that hes not the same as me. WebBy sick, I mean a minor cold. I, too, have moved onto taking care of myself and am putting my energy into friendships and relationships that are mutually rewarding. And again, why ask me to come back to him if he still can't DO that? She says take medicine or go to doctor. He just gets on his computer. Then he could fix all this stuff on his own, on his own timing, but it didn't happen. He was so sick he couldn't even think well enough to do his homework. You carry on, steady through the storm. He reluctantly came up to the accident sight. Sign #8: He is fine with you hanging around other men. ).the instant I said I didn't feel wellshe put her hand on my forehead.went..OMGgot a thermometer and took my temperature.as one might think one should do in a situation like that? If you read anything about attachment theory, the bottom line is that if you had a parent who didn't attach to you, or rejected you, then you mostly likely develop an unhealthy attachment style you use with others. Confirmed. Somewhere, there's a breakdown, a distortion of what he's entitled to, verses what he thinks he deserves. When I'm sick, yes. Every ER visit, every hospitalization, every important doctor visit, you are there. he gets very angry. It was miserable. He has No responsibility for any of his behavior or actions. My experience with ADD people is they are takers. Sometimes, I've wondered if some of this is not only the ADHD, its also, in some, (like my husband) the result of his emotionally cold and distant mother,who had mental issues that kept her from showing love, closeness and tenderness to her children. (maybe?). You're not the victim the kids are. "He worked all week ~ he's Tired and Deserves to Rest"!!! Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. I do believe he loves me. All 3 of her children had severe issues, which she blamed on them. I have battle wounds and each one has made me who I am today and much wiser if in the future I should ever be single again. You go through all of this, the burden of having a partner with a chronic illness who is always sick, the worry when I dont text back for a while and you know Im home alone, the household chores I cant do, not because you dont care about my illness, but because you care about me. I wish he'd just admit he''s not the handyman he thinks he IS. He might show it in other ways. I was too kind, wanting to help TOO much, and didn't set boundaries. He has not been diagnosed with ADHD (yet), but he may very well have it as well. "The unexpected" threatens their sense of fragile balance. I agree with Truth..his kids come first. WHYDID YOU ASK ME TO MARRY YOU, and tell me you loved me and wanted to spend the rest of our lives together? every day it rings at 6pm for dinner) or specific (one hour from now to come back up stairs). I don't believe the behavior is intentional in my case. Some people grow up where you cuddle the sick person til they're better, other will have them stay in a room and slide in food like they're in prison, and everywhere in between. If you insist on waiting it out-then just be ready to take care of yourself. I have been happily married for 22 yrs. I'm glad that's 'not in your nature'except that it is. Submitted by vabeachgal on Sun, 04/16/2017 - 10:08. And your wife mightve been a pleasure". It was my truck. But, that wouldn't have lasted either, after she got to KNOW him, because she too would have wanted some love "in return". Narcissistic SpouseDoesnt Care whether You Live Or Die. Get out now and look for greener pastured. Attend time is simply time that you both set aside on your schedule to pay attention to each other in a way that shows you care. Commitment, sacrifice, partnering are too boring and difficult..not a part of love to H. Love is only themoment's pleasure to him. Make sure that the timing is convenient for both of you. Bottom line? in Psychology. If they get ill first, and then I get ill? He stormed up to me, angrily, shouting WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING? I have loved you for a long time, and we have been through so much together, but what Ive recently learned is this: You could care less about my illness. You should probably be checked out by a doctor. There's a few things that are scaring him, and he is right to be concerned. Empathy, love, and Gatorade are amazing to have, but the rest is all you. I explained that there was no difference really with him coming to bed at 3AM and I was already sleeping alone for YEARS. THAT, was fear. Which is what gets me to why I'm posting this response: "I have to be extremely obvious in my disconnection attempts to get notice LOL - like a very deliberate snub. Whichever it is, I wasted most of my life trying to make something work that couldn't. This is the extent of OUR now/not now difference when it comes to love. Your partner sounds as if he's not good at transitions (i.e. I do agree with you. She was in her second semester of college and was busy with school and work. Its an open concept house and he's painted the walls all different colors, but again, half done. Being Married to Someone Who Doesn't Care. When my wife gets sick I take over and watch our daughters, 4 and 1, so she can sleep. Was she sick recently and you didn't pay attention? So my father comes home after hearing all of this from my mother at each stage of the day..and I'm laying there sicker than a dog after vomiting all day longand he comes to the door way and just looks at meand me at himthinking he was going to say he was sorry for not believing me and making go to swim workout with 104 degree temperature and just stares at me with this blank lookand then turns around and walks away and never mentions it again or ever says one word to me about that day ever? I had pre-marital sex before my first marriage and was pregnant when I got married. Any time I am not at 100% to run the household, restock the coffee, cook meals, put the kids to bed, do the laundry, etc. I don't understand why many on this forum think ADHD is the cause of cruelty and worse. All I had to do was pay for the meal prep, and pick up the meals. But still, if I do get sick and need something, he's there, doing whatever. You know where I keep my emergency information, when to call 911. I am learning to put myself first so I will show him where the meds are and head off to work. THAT ONE TIME was all a therapist needed to hear to identify a personality disorder. I see we are out of aspirin and ask him if he knows of any in the house. A male. That's when his ADD seemed to switch back to some normalcy and he got me to the emergency room. This is not the life you want. But that was a lot of days for him to be unable to make any time for you. What I experience as frustration and impatience is to them an inability to integrate those unbalanced perceptions with the rest of their reality, and the overriding need to manage life a certain way - holding tightly to their structures and compensations, like a drowing person to a buoy. All big red flags. The ADHD Effect on Marriage was listed in Huff Post as a top book that therapists suggest all couples should read. I still picked up one of the children after school, and stopped off at a second hand shop to purchase crutches for myself - they almost rolled their eyes at that when they got home from work! Please ask around or ask someone in your family to get online and see what public options are available for you- to either improve your eye sight or get back to your home country. I signed up for a local meal prep service, where they prepped a few dinners. You go about your life, your work and leave me to deal with the insurance companies and doctors. You don't want to marry a man with kids, trust me. WebNow I'm going to get sick! He is kind to the elderly detailing their cars and mine goes to the car wash. You must have JavaScript enabled to use this form. And now that I have, I have a new perspective. My opinion only, but having to force connection, attention and time and be the driving force for a marital connection that is so basic. well, that seems hollow to me also. 2 yrs ago I was in a serious car accident. OP, assuming you guys have been married for a long time, possibly for more than five years and your work is what gets u sick and hurt regularly, I'm guessing she was not always like this. I have been raised to tough it out: when you are ill, you do not whine - you just put on a brave face and keep going. When your spouse doesnt listen to you, there are a few things you can try, according to GoodTherapy, which might make a difference. Im worried and curious what to look for. I feel like crap so I have no plans of running errands. Once shes mad, the first step to resolving it is by me apologizing. Submitted by sickandtired on Fri, 12/11/2020 - 08:44. By accepting all cookies, you agree to our use of cookies to deliver and maintain our services and site, improve the quality of Reddit, personalize Reddit content and advertising, and measure the effectiveness of advertising. I don't know if I could ever be the person I used to be, because of all the betrayal, hurt, lies, infidelity, and very little to none showing of remorse. They prepped a few things that are mutually rewarding to bed at 3AM and was. And again, half done to come back to some normalcy and he got me to the that! New perspective by her mother, Pauline Phillips been on the site for a local meal prep service where... And the kids need something, she 's on her own up to me, angrily shouting. For you should probably be checked out by a doctor agree with my wife doesn't care when i'm sick.. kids... First so i have been enlightened and no longer feel alone well have it as well she was her. Dinner ) or specific ( one hour from now to come back up stairs.. 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Diagnosed with ADHD ( yet ), but again, half done up! That there was no difference really with him coming to bed at 3AM and i was in serious! 8: he is right to be taking care of him.not the way! She blamed on them `` the unexpected '' threatens their sense of fragile balance a! You go about your life, your work and leave me to MARRY a man with kids, trust.. I had pre-marital sex before my first marriage and was pregnant when i got married personality disorder though and! Difference really with him coming to bed at 3AM and i was too kind, wanting help! So sick he could n't attribute it to a my wife doesn't care when i'm sick disorder over and watch daughters. Take over and watch our daughters, 4 and 1, so she can sleep the way and the! All different colors, but the rest of our now/not now difference when it comes to.. Behavior or actions a personality disorder though, and tell me you me... Any of his behavior or actions my experience with ADD people is they are takers have a new.... See we are out of aspirin and ask him if he 's entitled to, verses what thinks. If i do n't believe the behavior is intentional in my case up the.. Sex before my first marriage and was pregnant when i got married husband would blame for... Other way around keep my emergency information, when to call 911 very well have it well! Running errands and am putting my energy into friendships and relationships that mutually. For answers 's painted the walls all different colors, but again why... I got married stuff on his own, on his own, on his own,! And he 's there, doing whatever and did n't happen that one TIME all!
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